Common

I've had a horrible time writing this blog post. The words just weren't coming out. I was writing in circles. But I think I finally figured it out.

How does my eating disorder detract from me and the life I want?

I think it can be put into one sentence. My eating disorder has made it feel impossible to hold truth in my mind. It fights so hard whenever anything comes in that tries to shoo it out. It tears down logic and throws out self esteem.

Take the scale. (And throw it out hah! Just kidding. Not yet. Working towards that. Gotta tackle the OCD first.)

The number on the scale displays itself on a clock in my mind. Even when I'm not looking at it currently, the clock ticks. The more I try to clear my mind and find peace, the louder the tick becomes. I know, logically, because my care team has told me, that the number on the scale doesn't really mean anything. But, I mean, time doesn't really mean anything either, right? But in our lives it holds great value in order to run and organize our days.

Gosh this blog post made so much more sense as I was falling asleep last night.

So that clock on the wall that tells me my weight.

I eat a handful of nuts and am terrified to see the number jump forward so much. Did that really happen? How could I have lost track of that number for so long so as to let this happen?

I restrict for days, weeks. Fast until I can't move from the couch. And when I look up at the clock, nothing has changed at all. What a horrible feeling, to feel like the hands on that clock have frozen and nothing is moving. Your work is doing nothing. 

But when the clock move along in a way that I find pleasing and that I feel is predictable, then oh how productive it makes me feel. Like I can set a schedule. I can set goals. Like by using this abstract measure that doesn't really mean anything, I can become the person I want to be as long as I follow it precisely.

And we live by clocks every day of our lives. Deadlines to meet. Errands to run. Appointments to make. Time. Matters.

But have you ever been on a vacation? Where you wake up whenever you want. You have a general idea of things you could do that day, but nothing is set in stone. You can do whatever you want. You follow your feelings and find amazing adventures that you wouldn't have found if you were constantly checking the time. And time doesn't matter. You know at some point it may come up but at this moment it doesn't matter. And it feels like this is the way you want life to be.

I haven't been on vacation like that.

Because the number on the wall of my mind is always there. Holding me accountable. Punishing me greatly for not setting some kind of goal, working towards it, and meeting it. Every piece of food is an assignment in some way. Either a way to meet the goal that the scale has set for me, or a way to make others happy.

And I don't know what I want. I try to find what I want. I try to think of who I want to be. But everything is dictated by the scale. How could I possibly do any of that when I am so fat? When you just hit this number, well, that's the number you have to meet to be able to live the life you want. That future you have imagined. You can't live fully if you are spending your days thinking about diets and weight loss! And the only way to stop thinking about diets and weight loss is to get to THAT. NUMBER. And then you can be a writer. And then you can be the life of a party. And then you can be social and get out of your shell and be the one that others want to be around. But you can't be that right now. I know, I'm so sorry, I wish you could be too, but you can't.

At its best, this voice is encouraging and rewards me with a high unparalleled. At its worse, it because harsh and ragged, telling me that if I keep it up like this, I will NEVER be anyone. And that I'm weak for even listening to it. What kind of backwards gaslighting manipulative abuse is that?

But at its normal, day to day, it just ticks away. Loudly, making it impossible to really live in the way I imagine life is supposed to be. Makes it difficult to rest. Makes it difficult to enjoy things.

Makes me feel like I will never reach that future of what I want life to be.