Married, Not Ready For Kids

Check it.

Today I'm blogging as Martha Stewart. This glitch catches me off guard every time.

Ok so you know when you're on Facebook, and Facebook is like "Look at these groups! Join these groups!"

I get those a lot. I tried to Kon Marie a lot of facebook stuff (Kon Marie: The art of getting rid of stuff you don't need or want) But I'm still in a lot of groups, and facebook thinks I must like groups, so I get a lot of suggestions.

Like a LOT of Lipsense suggestions. None of which I join, sorry friends...

A lot of area suggestions, weirdly specific ones, like "Mesa/Gilbert young adult skydiving fishers group!" That one doesn't exist yet, but if I did either of those things, I'd start that group.

One makes me laugh though.

Married, Not Ready For Kids.

Ok laugh might not be the right word. It makes me feel a lot of things. It makes me miss the days of just Joe and I. It makes me remember that time of life.

But it really makes me laugh because it so aptly describes me.

Hello. I'm Lara. I'm not ready for kids.

And here's the kicker. I've got two of them.

Joe and I did a lot to prepare for kids, we really did. We waited until we were done with school, had our savings built up, and were well on our way in our careers. We were married about 3 years before our first was born, and had a lot of time to do the young married couple stuff. We got that "Are you newlyweds?" question a lot and did the cutesy giggle type thing when we said "Hehehhee kinda!" 

Are you nauseated yet?

No but I'm all for that. I respect people who are not ready for kids. I know it's not for everyone, but I respect people who wait a while until they're financially/emotionally/mentally ready for kids. That's a good thing! I will be the last to convince you to have kids if you're not ready. Kids need ready parents.

We did that.

And I wound up where I am today, two kids, still not ready.

I'm not ready for kids I thought, a few nights before our first was born, and I realized our late night food runs were probably nearing an end. 

I'm not ready for kids, I thought, watching the oldest sleep, as a newborn, while holding my breath and waiting for him to take his. It's crazy how long that half a second seems, waiting to see if they're still breathing. It's an agonizing eternity. And it happens a lot.

I'm not ready for kids, I thought, as I pulled out handfuls of hair. That wonderful thing people don't tell you about. Pregnancy treats your hair great. Post partum does not. And it doesn't help that little babies have grabby hands that crave your hair, especially if it's long. 

I'm not ready for kids, I thought, as I changed the billions of diapers, and wiped poo off the ground, and ran like a mad woman just now as my oldest is running around diaper free, post bath, while I blog... and he just started saying "Uh oh... poo..." 

How many diapers? 

I'm not ready for kids, I thought, as I realized how hard it is to make friends now, and I wondered when the last time I went out was, and I wondered if I ever would have good, close friends again. I do. That still happened. Don't worry, women, there is hope. You can still have friends. But it may sometimes feel bleak.

I'm not ready for kids,  I thought, as I cleaned the kitchen after cleaning the living room, and before cleaning the SAME living room again, because my oldest was tearing it apart.

I'm not ready for kids,  I thought, as my throat swelled up when I saw two pink lines for the second time around, and my oldest was just a baby. I'm not ready for kids, I'm not ready for kids, I'm not ready for kids, I'm not ready for kids, as I held the oldest and cried and wondered how in the world we were going to handle this new unexpected family member. 

I'm not ready for kids, I thought, as I watched that oldest child get bullied for the first time, 15 months old. Because it's not like I can MAKE other kids play with him. And I don't want to be fighting his battles. 

I'm not ready for kids,  I thought, as I watched my body morph into something unrecognizable, and something that was and is difficult for me to love. 

I'm not ready for kids, I thought, as I closed out the news website on my phone and wondered how in the world I'm supposed to protect my kids in this world and said a silent prayer that my kids wouldn't be the ones that others would need protection from. As I then questioned every parenting choice I've ever made, ever.

I'm not ready for kids, I thought, as the tears came.

His tears. Because he wanted juice. Because he wanted my phone. Because he wanted to go outside when it was 120. Because he wanted to run through the entire Story Bots show for the 3rd time that day. Or from the youngest, because he wanted his brother to play with him but his brother was over it.

Or my tears...

The tears from fear, of the unknown. Are they going to be the people I want them to be? Are they going to be happy? 

The tears from worry. Is it ok that he just drank a bottle of nail polish? Is it ok that he keeps spitting up? Is it ok that his diaper looks like that? Is it ok if he eats that? Is it ok if he shoves chips in his 2 week old brother's mouth? IS IT OK IS IT GOING TO BE OK IS EVERYONE OK?!

I'm not ready for kids.

The tears of laughter, when he ran around the corner and Joe jumped at him and he threw up his hands and screamed. When he looked utterly horrified at the prospect of going to Sudan on his mission. When our youngest gave us his first laughs, and kept laughing, and kept smiling, and didn't stop. 

The tears of pride, when the littlest, at 3 months old, comforted his older brother. When the oldest took his own binky out of his mouth, the binky that he relied on for EVERYTHING, and he gave it to his brother. When he reached out his hand to pet a dog, overcoming his crippling fear of dogs. 

The tears, when he came and gave me a hug around my neck when I sat down and cried because I'm not ready for kids, I'm not ready for kids, I'm not ready for kids....

So here I am. Two kids later.

I'm not ready for kids. 

And I may never be. I don't know what is coming up. Despite dedicating my life to working for and learning about children... I have no clue what is on this map of parenthood. It is uncharted territory. And I'm not ready for kids. 

But it's ok. I think we'll work through it together. The good and the bad. Today I accept the fact that I'm not ready for kids.