12.25.2010

PLEASE Like Me!

Hi everyone.

My name is Lara. And I like to make people happy. It's kinda fun! Nothing quite like a smile from someone, and knowing that you played a part in getting that positive parabola on someone's face. It's awesome. But what do you do when you feel very strongly that perhaps another person's happiness gets in the way of your happiness?

I want to make my parents happy. If I knew they would be happy with me eating nothing but carpet every day and showering in acid and using lava rocks as soap... you know, that'd be ok with me. Because I like it when they're happy with me. The great thing about my parents is that I can make them happy doing things that don't make the flesh fall off of my body, and usually make my tummy happy in the same process.

But somehow I always wind up unhappy when it comes to discussing my future. I don't know why. Actually I have theories. So here we go parents. Jumping into the bathwater of stuff that... I don't know how to finish that sentence.

My mom wants me to do music. Why? I have no idea why. She wants me to do something with my music. She wants me to be happy too! But other than that, she wants me to do music. Ok... so what could I do with music? I could teach band. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, I really wanted to teach band. My dad didn't want me to... but that'll be mentioned later. This is a different story. I wanted to teach band. I was in a really really great high school band. And the band director was one of my best friends. One day he told us that he was leaving. He found a better job. And I cried for days on end. He found a job with more money, and he was able to be with his family more. He was still teaching band... but it was a different kind of band. And it was one of those bands that are just going to be good just because of the environment those students lived in. It's hard to teach in bands like that, they're hard to find. Well he left and my high school band started going down the drain. Our new director was great. But the students no longer cared it seemed. And one day he made a comment about how teaching band had messed up his entire life. And I looked at his life. And I looked at the life my old director had before he got his new job... they were teaching an average band class. The kind that most band teachers get to teach. And I realized that they weren't living lives that I was super excited about running out to live. I don't want to live like they lived. I look up to them so much... but teaching band like they did would not make me happy.

What else can I do with music, mom? I feel like whenever I mention a degree to you that doesn't have to do with music, you lose interest so fast. I want to make you happy mom. But I want to be happy to. Tell me what you want me to do!

Now for Daddy!

Daddy is a scientist. He's a really really smart scientist. He's very logical, and he does things that make sense. And that's really good. Because I like doing things that make sense. I feel like he and I think along the same brain waves a lot of the time.

Dad wants me to... well you know, I don't really have any idea. He mentions one degree one day, and another degree the next day. But his default seems to be medicine. I really admire every doctor in the world, everyone with any degree in medicine. That is a LOT of school work. That is a LOT of money. And that is a very crazy job to have for the rest of your life.

I mention other degrees, and he says something about how it takes time and what if I have kids, and then I drop out of school and that would be a mess. Or I mention a degree that is maybe not the highest demand and he says there is no funding in that area or something. Medical school is hecka expensive, and it takes a hecka amount of time. There are so many conflicting things coming from him.

Another thing with science is that I'm just not amazing in it. And I have a really hard time being not amazing. That's why I go for areas that I CAN be amazing in! Because I really really do base my self worth off of how successful I am. And my success doesn't have to do with "Oh, you did the best you can..." NO. My success has to do with if I actually DID well. I got a C+ in Biology this year. I studied SO hard for that class. I worked harder for that class than any other one. And I got a friggin C+. I don't care right now that I tried my hardest. And frankly, only my parents care that I tried my hardest because in the long run, my employers will think I messed up, and my teacher thinks I am a C+ student. And I don't like feeling like that.

So I feel that Daddy wants me to do science something. But I will work SO hard in those areas. It is guaranteed. And the chances of me being the best one in those classes are just not that great because I'm just not that great at science. I don't want to work in a field that I know I worked really hard to get there, but I'm still not that great. Other people can do that. But I can't.

And then we come to funding. Yes. Funding is hard. I have no clue how people go to college these days, it's really hard. But should a person pick a degree just because they can get the most money for that area? I don't know! I am actually really asking you this question! Should a person do that? Because if that's what everyone is doing I can suck it up and do whatever has a lot of money. If that's what makes people happy ok!

Now here is me jumping out of that bathwater. I want to teach. I've wanted to teach for such a long time, I really have. Those little kids that write stories about how they want to be police officers, doctors, actors, all of that? I wanted to be a teacher! I always have. And more than anything, for a very long time, I want to teach elementary school.

Is that shameful?! Because it feels like every time I even tip toe around the topic it gets shot down and burried in the ground. Elementary school teaching is bad. It's kinda competitive I guess! But maybe it's kinda competitive because people are happy there?! I don't know. I have no idea. I'm asking you guys.

I want to teach Elementary school. And I want my parents to be happy. And as much as they say they want me to be happy, they have dreams for me. Mom and dad, don't lie. You have dreams for who you want your older daughter to be. And your older daughter is losing sleep and appetite trying to figure out what those dreams are. If you want me to be a doctor, I will do it. But I don't want you to halfheartedly tell me what you want me to do with my life. Because chances are that I'll go halfheartedly into it. If you can tell me what you want me to do, and really mean it, then I will do it. Doctor, lawyer, band teacher, whatever. Even if it means messing up the rest of my life or working 28 hour shifts for 7 days a week just to get an A, I will do it. I will move out of my house and live on the street and eat out of trash cans to save money so we can pay for school. I don't care... I just want you to be happy.

You too adventurers, I want you to be happy too. Be happy please, as you will.

Sorry this post is kinda melodramatic. But sometimes I just don't feel like my parents really will listen to me without interrupting me or making decisions in their head of what they're going to say before I can finish speaking. Sometimes I feel like the only way they'll really listen is through a blog post. Fun times.

UPDATE: Alright. Turns out I get pretty dramatic at night. And then I wake up in the morning and don't really worry about things too much. So yep. I know things will be fine in the end... it's just the getting there that kinda sucks. 

5 comments:

sarcasm397 said...

I totally know the old band director. He went to teach at my old junior high!

Also I think you should do what YOU want to do. While it's important to make others happy, your first priority is always to yourself. Be selfish this time.

That is all.

McCall said...

I love my nursing field of study because it's what I personally love to do. Not for money or success, but because I love helping and caring for those around me.

My older sister is an elementary educator. My parents both were elementary educators. They chose that field because they loved it, regardless of the money outcomes.

My mom did try to push my older sister into music, and she tried to push me into nursing. Music didn't work out for my older sister, and my mom was lucky I loved nursing so much because I'm a bit more fiesty with my mom than my sister is, so there would have been frequent arguments going on in our house.

In the end, please choose to do what YOU absolutely love to do. It's YOUR life and you can't make everyone happy. I'm learning that to.

Prayers for you!

Stefiko said...

I am going into elementary education! I would say go for it. If that's what you want to do, do it! If your parents object, well, remind them, that elementary school teachers teach science. Also, you could do an early morning or after school band there too! That was how I started orchestra, was some mom with a degree in music education did an early morning orchestra at my elementary school. Of course you want to make mum and dad happy, but with a feild as broad as elementary education, I think you could pull off both!

Flip Flop Fanatics said...

Well in my opinion parents are awesome to please and what not but honestly when it all boils down to it you are the one who has to spend countless hours studying for it, writing the papers and in the end actually practicing that career so I say do what YOU want. Yes pleasing people is a good thing but it is alright to be selfish in regards to YOUR future. People who go into careers because 1) mommy or daddy want it 2) awesome money 3) because its a popular career usually end up switching careers or even dropping out of college. Do what makes you happy-from personal experience I chose Nursing, pediatric nurse to be specific because I love little kids (always have) and I love medicine and helping people. It's something I am passionate about and I feel that a career should be something you love and want to wake up each morning and go and do :) Hope this makes sense and helps out :)

chip said...

Do what YOU want to do. I've always wanted to be a dolphin trainer, but that's not super realistic. There's not many jobs open for that position. I think that you would be a great teacher, though!