9.18.2013

Perception

I've probably done a post titled "Perception" but whatever. You'll live. You've probably read a billion books called "Perception" and it's also the name of your favorite movie. So this is nothing new.

I've been in a mood lately. There's been a lot of self evaluation going on. I evaluated my social media stuff. I evaluated my worth as a student. I evaluated how other people perceive me (hey that's the name of this post! Kinda.)

And to be perfectly
honest, it's been a horrible few weeks. I spend all my days at work and school. If my shoes get wet, they stay wet all day. If I get splashed with mud, too bad. If I realize too late that I brought too much stuff to carry around all day, that really sucks, and I awkwardly stumble through the day.

I miss my husband.
I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss being around people that are familiar to me, and it's been horrible being around all these strangers all day.

To compensate, for a few weeks, I turned to the social media world. Maybe if I make enough internet friends, maybe if I blog enough... maybe it'll be ok.

But it wasn't. It just got worse.

Furthermore, somehow, half of my clothes got stained with something, and the other half got miniature holes in them. My self esteem started plummeting as I'd look at these people who probably just rolled out of bed but looked seamless, flawless... I'd wear a skirt to school and it looked like everyone wore sweats and I felt weird and left out, or visa-versa.

Stress started building with school, with work, I was never home, and I just wasn't happy. I haven't been happy doing this.

And it's not because of school. And it's not because of work. That probably has a lot to do with it, because I'm away from my husband, my best friend, for 12+ hours a day, and that really sucks.

No, the reason I was unhappy was because of my perception of myself.

I had been comparing myself to others for too long. The worst part of it was, I was comparing myself to people who don't even exist! Hmmm... That's a little confusing. How do I say that.

The people who I saw as better than I, smarter than I, prettier than I, who seemed to have far more than I... those people didn't exist. I'm sure there are people out there who are all of the above, but the thing is, the people I compared myself to were people I didn't even know. People I saw in passing. People who I share less than 2 minutes of my day with. I compared myself to the lives I imagined they lived, based on their appearances, and I felt like crap.

I felt horrible.

And I blogged and I felt like crap because it was this desperate attempt to make myself seem better than I was, and I wondered who I was fooling. I was tired of living that way so I quit.

Over the last few days, I've quit life.

I've quit a ton of social media things I used to cling so desperately to. I quit blogging. I quit looking at people.

I read a lot about how the attractive people in the world are those who shine through their eyes, who have confidence in their steps and are good with who they are. That's great and all! So I don't need expensive clothes to do that! But I had to find that confidence in my own life.

And sometimes at school I'd be walking around a crowd of 100 some odd people, and I felt so alone. I had removed myself from "society", I had stopped caring about how I looked, stopped caring about how others looked, stopped caring about the people around me I didn't even know, and it was good because I stopped feeling bad about myself but I still felt lonely.

And that's the worse feeling. It was almost worse than looking myself over in the mirror like an ANTM judge. I can't handle the feeling of "alone".

And up in my mind popped Joe. As cheesy as it sounds, I thought of Joe and a small smile appeared and I didn't feel alone.

The more I thought about Joe as I felt so despondent, the better I felt. Furthermore, I started thinking about the other real people in my life.

My husband.
My family.
My friends.

And I didn't feel alone anymore. And I stopped NOT caring. That whole not caring thing was a little hard on me, to be honest. I stopped not caring about what people thought of me, I still do care about that.

The only thing is, I don't care about people I don't know anymore. They don't even spare a second look my way. I care about the people I love, I care about the real people in my life, the ones I know, the ones I talk to, the ones who talk to me.

And it was good. It was better than good. And it's been a slow process, and I'm still not wonderful yet, but I think my life is something again. And it's something because of the wonderful people in my life who I hold dear. They are my something, and because they are my something, they make me something.

This flooded into other areas of my life, namely, social media, rather, this blog.

There are a lot more than family and friends who read this blog. There are several people who read this blog that I don't know.

Here's a word to the blogging world that says a blog has to be a certain way to be a good blog.

THAT kind of attitude ruins the world. The attitude that something has to be a certain way otherwise it might as well not be. That's horrible.

So no. I'm not gonna turn this blog into a fashion blog and post all my cute outfits I wear every day. My clothes suck right now so shut up.

So no. I'm not gonna turn this blog into a pinteresty thing where it's all about my running habits, my cooking and crap, the cutsie crafts I make.

I'm gonna blog because I have people in my life that I love, and I want them to know how my life is, especially those I don't get to talk to every day. And if those people don't even read this blog, that's ok, because my mom does. And my husband does. And so writing for them is enough for me.

And even if they didn't read it, I like to write. And so that's enough for me.

And to all of you people who read this blog that I don't know? I'm so flattered. I really am. It seems strange to me that people would read the stuff I write, but I love that you do.

And so maybe I'll talk about my faith more. And maybe I'll talk about what I've learned from children more.

But maybe most of the time this is gonna be a silly place to share my thoughts.

That's ok. It's ok with me, because it's not about people I don't know anymore. It's about the people I love. My family. My friends. My husband. And that's enough for me.

3 comments:

Julie Norseth said...

Aw, Lara! I read your blog! And thanks for a wonderful post. This is a lesson I have to keep learning again and again. Live for the people who love you, not the critics!

Julie Norseth said...

Aw, Lara! I read your blog! And thanks for a wonderful post. This is a lesson I have to keep learning again and again. Live for the people who love you, not the critics!

Katie said...

Love all of this so much!