I've been having these insane, deep rooted identity crises over really stupid things. As if the smallest, most insignificant attributes about me for some reason matter more than they should. Lemme explain.
One such crisis has been happening about my finger nails (or nells, if you're cool and congested!) Sometimes I get in this mood where I want my nails painted every single day. Every day. And I get into buying nail things and do my nails every day and then they end up chipping, so I have to remove the polish and put it back on again which destroys my hands. Destroys them. (I've been working with 2yos again which means I wash my hands a lot more which aids in the destroying of my hands...)
I guess all these crisis things are categorized into certain stages.
Wanting immaculate nells, like I was talking about. Along with this stage, I want my phone to be pink, I tend to wear more gold (And good news! I'm on the train and we just went past a yard full of tiny llamas!) and I'm probably more likely to spend more time on my eyelashes and putting on lipstick. Though I've given up on drinking coke because I'm trying to be healthy, this stage is characterized by cherry coke. When I'm honest with myself, stage one is when I'm probably spending the most time redesigning my blog.
This is my cool girl stage. It's where I want people to think I'm super hot, but also really sporty and cool. In this stage, I usually want my phone to be a neon blue, and I paint my nails for the explicit purpose of letting them chip. Because chipping makes people think I'm athletic or something. Another option is to keep the nells perfectly painted, but then actually BE athletic. And then people think I have magic nails that stay perfect. Same thing about cola, I don't drink it any more, but this stage is definitely original coke. I have this complex that the kind of coke I drink says a lot about me, and for some reason, drinking original coke means I'm cool and daring.
I kinda find a middle ground here. I quit painting my nails, but I keep them filed and fine. I try to wear more blazers and muted colors. My phone case is probably black, but in an ideal world it'd be like a brown leather color. I pretend to wear heals but heaven knows that doesn't work. This is my favorite stage but one that is hard to maintain working in preschool. It's my grown up stage with grown up clothes, but I don't want to ruin my grown up clothes in preschool. This is my vanilla coke stage, which is my FAVORITE coke.
This is where my nails get brittle and chip. Not my nail polish... the nail polish isn't even there. I'm talking about my actual nails chipping. Where I try to look nice but am too tired to care. Where I power horse through the day and get home with the determination of conquering the dishes. I think I smile more in this stage, really genuinely smile. This stage is where I'm being myself, I think. The drink for this stage is probably water because it's good for me and free. This stage is the one where I stop worrying about who my friends are and what they think of me, I just spend time and talk to people I like.
I spend a lot of time in the other phases, trying to give this impression to everyone of who I am. I don't really know why I worry about that so much. It's part of being me, I suppose! But when it comes down to it, I'm sure people really don't care whether my nails are perfect or purposefully chipped, and they probably aren't judging what sort of person I am based off of the coke I used to drink, let alone the color of my cell phone case. (Though we all know what kinda person you are if your case is pastel pink... come on. WINK.)
In the end I guess it just matters that I try to be a person I want to be. Maybe I want to be the pink girl with gold or the cool girl with original coke that I don't drink. But it doesn't really matter if I'm being the person I want to be in that moment. That's my new goal. Be the person I want to be in that moment.