You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it write an essay on swimming

I'm a pretty tenacious person. That isn't to say I'm close minded. I have a pretty open  mind. I'm pretty sure I dropped my mind when I was walking to school the other day. That would explain a lot.

What I mean when I say I'm tenacious is... you can't make me do things I want to do. I suppose you CAN make me do it... but wow. When you do that, all heck breaks loose and it's messy and hilarious and pathetic all in one.

Here is one such example.

I can't swim. Actually that's a lie. I CAN swim. I love to swim. Water is my favorite! Yet, I can't swim in normal pools. I'm intolerant of chlorine. It burns my skin. So does salt water. I can swim in a lake or the pool at my cabin, but when it comes to chlorine I go swimming maybe once every 5 years, and the days following that even find me curled up in fetal position whimpering the whole time, looking like my skin is falling off my body because it is.

I have doctors notes that say I can't go swimming! I have like 3 of them! So I was prepared to march into high school (I actually did march into high school, marching band was my first high school experience...) Show my teachers my notes, and tell them I can't do the swimming portion of gym. Freshman year... it worked. My teacher just had me pay attention during the swimming portion and take the written test that all students had to take at the end of the trimester. It worked. I passed.

But of course my sophomore year things weren't so wonderful. My teacher. Was. A. Word I can't think of and if I could think of it I probably couldn't pronounce it. My doctors notes technically excused me from doing any work in regards to the swimming portion. It's not my fault I can't swim. But this stupid teacher decided to give me a bucket load of work. Taking the test with the class just wasn't enough. I had to write a




On the fundamentals of swimming.

I hated that teacher. I didn't want to write the essay. But I got to work on it since I had to pass the class in order to be a perfect student. So I started writing it. The first part is alright, it seems like it's going somewhere, but somewhere along that train of thought the train derailed and destroyed several towns and killed thousands of people.

Here is that essay.


There are many sports. Soccer, tennis, football, and hundreds of others. Most of them have many things in common with each other, but there is one sport unlike all the rest and that sport is swimming. In any other sport, if you play it for the first time, your life is not threatened, but in swimming, you either know how to swim or you die. In other sports, you usually control the ball, or the racket, but in swimming, the water controls you. Swimming is learning how to gain control over your body. You will never be able to control the water. Water is its own individual and in several cases it controls us, not just in swimming but in life.

All living creatures need water to live, and yet water can kill all living creatures. Too little water, and we die, too much, and we still die. Yet just about every living creature possess a curiosity of water. Humans, with our undying want to learn about everything, seem to be drawn towards water.

In any other sport, if you want anything to do with said sport in your occupation, you must become an athlete. But in swimming, there are several occupations you could choose from that don't involve becoming an athlete. Marine Biology, scuba-diving, and exploring are just a few of these jobs. If you do want to be a professional swimmer, and athlete, this is still an option as swimming is an event in the olympics and there are contests across the country for swimming. Of all these jobs in swimming, the most important one is the one most often forgotten and that is life saving. To most people, life guards are just a person there to enforce the pool rules. No one ever expects to have a need for life guards, but in the instance that one is needed, the one being saved is forever grateful.

Drowning people are very different than not drowning people. Once they realize that they are drowning they forget everything. All strokes and lessons they have learned are gone out of their mind except for a few things. They remember one stroke which I will call "flailing." They will do whatever they can to get away from the water and most often will not listen to reason. One thing will help, if you are a drowning person, and it is this. Turn on your back.

Once you are on your back you will float and you will be alright. Flailing however is not good. I will now describe this stroke. Your arms are in every place at the same time, trying to grab something when nothing is near you. Your breathing turns rapid and you quickly loose engergy. You start panicing and you will do anything to get away from and out of the water.

If you are near a drowning person, do not approach them if they are flailing. Stay at a distance and comfort them. Once they are calm you may approach them. If they grab you then twist of of their grip. If they grab your hand then go against their thumb. Not even the strongest person in the world can hold onto you if you do this. If they grab around your neck, then go under the water. The person, wanting to be out of and away from the water will let go.

The safest thing to do is just let the person drown. When they are unconscious you can go rescue them. If the person is calm you may approach them. Grab their wrist in a way that will not let them grab you. Turn their arm so they roll onto their back and then you can swim away with the drowning person who is no longer drowning in tow behind you. If you let them drown, and save them, they may have suffered minor brain damage but they probably will not sue you because you still saved their life.

In the incident that they do sue you, they probably will not win since you did not save them because your own life was in danger. If you are guilty that the person died because of your failed attempts to save them, then the best thing to do is as follows. Attend the dead person's funeral and pay your respects to the dead person and his/her/it's family. Giving the family money is not a bad idea either, but if you are poor then you might want to pray or go to church or something. If all this fails then you are probably depressed and are in need of medical assistance. You, as mentioned before are probably poor so find some rich family member that will pay for your medical bills.

However this may not work because your family probably hates you for letting that poor man/girl/it drown. If your own family hates you then your friends probably do also. Chances are that no one liked you for a long time. They only pretend to like you because you were smart, and you are smart because you decided to save your own life. Lets look at your life so far: You are depressed, poor, no family, no friends, you watched someone die, you have a guilty conscious, and you're poor. If you have no pets that need you, then suicide is your best option. Drown yourself because you are a sick twisted person who no one likes. It will do the world a favor.

Speaking of favors, my favorite type of swimming, or other swimming activity, besides marco-polo is diving. The way to do this is as follows: Belly flops are bad! Side effects of belly flops include redness of the chest and stomach, a burning sensation, bruising, internal bleeding, and some cases have led to death. If you wish to have these side effects for some strange reason because it is the new style, you want to show off, or you let someone drown, then throw yourself at the water with your arms and legs spread wide. For best results go off a high diving board with a water proof jet pack strapped to your back in a three feet or less swimming area. However, I don't suggest doing this because it's just plain stupid.

To dive, put your hands in the air above your head, clasp your hand around one thumb on the opposite hand. If you have tow thumbs on one hand, then choose the one that is on the outside. Place your fingers that aren't holding onto your thumb on the knuckles of your clenched fist. Now release your hand without moving your hand from the potion it's in. If you did this correctly, then your fingers and arms will still be intact and the result will be a nice looking hand thing.

Note that the palms are facing downwards 

Now to dive. Or as said earlier, how to die. Muahahahahaha! Only joking sir, this essay is completely serious.

Point your hands towards the water at a spot that is in the water and not the cement so that your diving experience and not in a disgusting messy SPLAT! Little do people know, but SPLAT does stand for something. Squat, Pray, Leap, Ahhhh! Touchdown! These are the steps in diving. Follow through with your diving hands and you will survive, if you know how to swim and land in the water.

Note: There is no water in the pool. This is an incorrect diving method. Also not that his hands were not in the right position, which is probably the reason that there is no water in the pool.

Now onto describe the various strokes. By far the most popular one is the dog Paddle. This one is characterized by bending your elbows so that your hands are below your chin and frantically flap your hands around. This is not a very good stroke, for as it will keep you afloat, it is draining and you don't move very fast. Aslo, if this is the only stroke you know then you cannot enter the Olympics or probably ever be a scuba-diver.

Another stroke is one shown on the first star wars as they were swimming towards Jar-Jar-Binks' under water city. It is known as the frog stroke. This one is not for above water, but rather for underneath. This one is hard to describe, the most easy way to describe is to swim like a frog. This propels you forward very fast and is good for speed. However, I don't think this swimming technique is used in the Olympics. It is good for scuba-diving though, thus rendering it better than the dog paddle.

There is the Butterfly, another stroke. If you do this one slow then it can also be called the moth stroke. This is swum on your front with both of your arms moving at the same time. This is the newest swimming style to be swam in a competition. Both arms are cycling forward at the same time with a wave like motion in your body and your legs kicking in the back. To be more specific with the arms, they are out to the side, they come forward down under, up and around. Basically you are drawing circles off to both sides of your body.

If you don't know how to draw a circle then you aren't very smart and you probably tried to save the drowning person and ended up drowning yourself. It's hard to be alive huh? I know how it is.

So in this essay I described swimming. It is such a hard thing to do and results in death quite often. It should be avoided but for some reason people can't keep away from it. I love swimming myself and wish so much that I could be allowed to swim but due to medical conditions I have been prohibited. Explaining how to swim in an essay is like describing how to ride a bike without being able how to do it. I gave it my all! Swimming is important so that we can learn more bout the world we live on. Water is the liquid of life. Fish are amazing aren't they? I'm so jealous of them. I hope you enjoyed it! You being the gym teacher probably didn't learn much from it other than SPLAT! Please have a nice day, I will miss your class!



Megan said...

Oh. My. I died, Lara. Not from drowning though. This is the most hilarious piece of writing in any way connected to swimming that I have ever read.

"Also not that his hands were not in the right position, which is probably the reason that there is no water in the pool."

I don't know what part is my favorite.

chip said...

I just learned that I have been swimming wrong forever! I think I'll print this out and read it to the kids I teach swimming lessons to