Not changed, but different.

Now let me stand on my soap box for a moment. This is a post that means a lot to me.

Today things changed a bit. Things didn't really change, I guess, but they did become different. That's confusing, let me explain.

Two years ago... actually, tomorrow it will be exactly two years ago, I moved away from home. I moved into the Douglas home. It was more of a house than a home, but boy was it a gorgeous house. I dropped off a few boxes at the house, my parents then dropped me off for my meeting at the U... and then I walked home. Into the empty house. Closed the door. Sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Blinds closed, but windows open, and every light known to man was on. And I stared at the ceiling and wondered what I had done.

I thought some pretty deep thoughts then, which I will refrain from sharing in the moment. But a prominent thought was "Why did I do this. Why. I'm not old enough. What have I done. Where is my family. Why am I alone."

Because I was alone.

A few months later I moved into the Elizabeth house which was more of a home than a house. And over the spans of a few months in that house, the home became a house again, and I realized that I needed to be home. So home I came.

I never thought I'd move home but I did.

And in December, when I moved home, I never thought I'd move back again.

I have a daddy who would dance with me as a little girl.

I had a mommy who would just hold me and let me cry. And who was always on my side.

I had a little sister who would yell at me and swear she'd never speak to me again. But that night we'd spend hours in front of the bathroom mirror, making faces, and laughing until we cried.

And I had a little brother who was my best friend. Who wrote me a letter 4 years ago, a sarcastic letter, but one I've carried in my wallet ever since.

And last night I lay in bed thinking about all of that and realized how things would be different today.

They didn't change.

But they are different.

Those things my family did for me will always be with me. I'm grateful for a daddy who had the courage to help his daughter make incredibly difficult choices, even if she didn't quite realize at first why that choice was the best. I'm grateful for a mother who would stand by her daddy through everything, but then come into her daughter's room after all was said and done and rub her back when she cried bitter hurt tears.

I can't imagine where I'd be without that. I shudder to think of where I'd be.

Now let me tell you folks. Things haven't changed, but they are different.

Now I live with my brother in the Elizabeth house. A house that feels more like a home than a house. I'm grateful for a little brother who would come with me to school, and lets me know full well if my outfits are too skanky.

Things haven't changed, but they are different.

They are different because last week Brian received the Priesthood, and I cried, but made it seem that I was just yawning. Which passed off well because I was exhausted. There different because even if I do move home in a year, my best friend won't be there with me, my little brother, he'll be on a mission. They're different now because we're growing up.

But they haven't changed. I think I needed to move home in December to realize that without a doubt, my family is the most important thing in my life.

Though things are different, they haven't changed.

Because that will always be true.


Amy said...

Love this, Lara. Your blog is so great.

Amanda Schroeder said...

You are an amazing writer. Change is so hard for me. It is very inevitable. That is for sure. But it's still hard. Love your blog and actually really excited to follow.

Amanda @ we & serendipity