The stages of Facebook

I've spent a few years on Facebook. Got an account in eh.... say... 2008 or something. Sounds about right. So, five years. I'm not one of the cool people who had facebook BEFORE it was cool, and I'm not one of the people that held out when everyone was telling me to get it. What happened was, one day a friend said "Hey Lara! You should get a facebook!" And I said "Ok!"  And then I got one.

I've noticed that there are ages of facebook. There's gotta be a different way to put that which truly expresses what I mean. There are different ages of people who use facebook, and because of that, facebook has many purposes.

I think that no matter how old you are, you strongly believe that your way of using facebook is the right way.

But you are wrong.

Because only my way of using facebook is the right way.

Also, just because you are a certain age doesn't mean you are in that stage of facebook usage. You could be far ahead of your time! But more likely, if you're not in your stage for your age, you're behind.

So let's go through some stages.

The first stage. The young stage. The facebook page for kids under the age of 10. I'm not sure why this one exists, because I thought there was some age limit on facebook or something that stopped babies from getting on. But they do anyways, whether their parents created them a page from the day they were born to post cutesie statuses like "Gah gah goo goo!" Or they created a page themselves at the tender age of seven to be cool. What it eventually leads to is chats like this.





And here you are, trying to write a 10 page essay for your college final coming up next week, and you're wondering why a second grader wants to talk to you. Especially since you've never talked to them before, you just know momma. Or do you. Who is this kid, anyways? And how did they get to be your facebook friend?


Next is the facebook stage for the age of (still kids) 10-ohhhh..... let's say.... 14. Keep in mind. Some ages may be ahead of their stage, and some may be behind. But this is the general age for this stage.

We'll call this the annoying stage. Because it's incredibly annoying. More annoying than




Because if chats DO happen, they change to something more like this:



"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (:"

Please take note of the backwards smiley face. Yes, it is backwards. When you type this, it will never flip around into being the emoticon round yellow smiley face. It's painful looking, is what it is.

But even more than chats! It turns into liking EVERYTHING. Tweens of the world! Just because a post says "like in three seconds if" or "pLz LyKe DiS!" Doesn't mean you have to. So stop it. Because it shows up on everyone's feed what you liked. And half the time, I'm not sure you even know if you know what you're liking! "Like this if you think boys and girls can be just friends!" With a picture of Jacob and Bella. First, he married her daughter. Second, you haven't even hit puberty yet. At your age, boys and girls are nothing MORE than friends. Third, FALSE. A single boy and a single girl spending lots of time together cannot be just friends.

And if you post "Like for tbh." More than once, somethings going on. How about you just be honest all the time, that way you don't have to post deep secrets on people's walls telling them you love them, and that way, I don't have to ask my sister every day what "tbh" means.

Moving along.

We find ourselves in the romantic stage. Fifteen. Fifteen until they go away to school really. And sometimes much longer than that. Much much longer than that.

This is the age where facebook is used just to like his photos. Or stalk him silently which will be addressed later. This is the age where your statuses become song lyrics. Are they songs you wrote? Are they songs written in the 1400s? Are they songs written by T-Swift? The world may never know. But they're melodramatic. They either talk about how you can't live without _____ or you can't live with _____ or you wish ______ couldn't live with or without youuuuu.... Because you can't breath...... with or without hiiiimmmmmmmmmmmm.

Lots of hearts may be involved.

You talk about how stressful high school is.

You talk about how lame teachers are.

You talk about how much you want to get out and run away with _____, but you'd never really say how much you want to run away with ______ because your statuses are pretty obscure.

Then you move away, or you go to college, and you statuses become very specific, and most talk about...

How stressful college is.

How lame teachers are.

How much you want to get out and go back to high school.

I guess this is the stage I am currently in. Where the point of facebook is to post thought provoking things. Quotes from Abraham Lincoln. Pictures about civil matters. Links to healthy food websites that you know you'll never even look at, because top ramen tastes just as good, and costs a penny a pack.

You post really long comments on people's posts which make you look smart. Half these people are posting long things that are incredibly neutral, showing how open their brain is to any side of an argument, and half these people post long things that are incredibly biased, showing how open their brain is to any side of an argument.

But in the end, all we really use facebook for is to look at the funny pictures that end up in the news feed. Because they always do. Or to spread news quicker than The News. Because we always can.

Stay tuned for the next edition of "The Stages of Facebook"!


Nathan and Kaitlin said...

The "Hi" chat part made me laugh so hard because my little cousins seriously chat me every day just saying "Hi." Hahaha goodness gracious.

amy said...

This post killed me. Especially the song lyrics. So, so true, and so, so funny.

Mandi said...

Ha! This is brilliant! And all completely true. And I think the same thoughts: anyone who does not use exactly the same punctuation, emoticons, etc. on their statuses as I do is automatically wrong. :)