4.16.2015

Fear of Boredom

I've done everything. Everything there is to be done. I'm 22 years old (almost 23, OK?!??!) and I'm officially bored.

I've cleaned my house.
Did the dishes.
Got rid of a ton of clothes.
Did two homework assignments.
Watched a large amount of Netflix.
Got my hair cut.
Did senior pics.
Finished student teaching.
And college.
And high school.

I've been a little stressed about moving to Arizona. Finding a home made it a whole lot less stressful, true, but still, there was that hint of stress hiding within me. So I dug deeper and found it!

Boredom.

I'm afraid of getting bored.

I'm afraid of my first summer in 5 years where I won't have anything to do. I'm afraid of having free time for once in my life. I'm afraid of staring at walls wondering when Joe is going to be coming home.

It's not all awful.

I joined a book club.
I'm getting a piano.
I'm gonna learn how to sew.
And maybe knit and make one of those giant blankets.
I'm gonna refinish our furniture when the weather permits.
I'm gonna get "fit".
And learn how to cook a lot more things.
Maybe make a souffle, the height of "knowing how to cook a lot of things".
Maybe get a dog or something.

But what am I to do? When I don't have a 20 page paper due that weekend? When I don't have class from 8am-10am and then work from 10:30am-4:00pm and then class from 4:30pm-7:30pm and then a 2 hour commute home? I don't know. I defined my life around college. I was a college student. That was my profession. And gosh dang it, I was really good at it. I was so good at it that I decided to stick myself in a school setting for the rest of my life doing one of the few things that will make you money and not lose you money.

So I don't know what I'm going to do. Honestly. At this point, I'm trying to fill up my time until the big move. With things like Florida and camping and visiting family and sand dunes and general conference... Trying to keep my mind busy. And then we get down there, and we'll see what happens. I don't know. I really do not know. It's terrifying to have so much freedom at this point. So much opportunity and so many pathways. I'm not exactly one who likes to decide. But that's a new trait to learn. That's not one that's taught in school. It's one I barely learned while I was in school.

I'm not one who's afraid of many things. Spiders may startle me, but I can put a cup on top of them and send them on their merry way into the great outdoors with no problem. Scary moves bore me because I logic my way out of them every time. Public speaking? Well, I'm a teacher. So... nope.

Being alone, that's one thing I was able to realize scared me.
And now, being bored. That's something else.

I'm going to try to put a good spin on it. Lara, it's not being bored. It's being filled with potential unbridled. You could do anything. You could do anything on that list and more. You could do anything and you can do everything. What will you do?

No comments: