2.29.2016

Things I'm Figuring Out

.... Probably only to forget them later on.

It all started when I got my hair done. This was daunting. There were two things I wanted. Well.... one thing I really wanted. And that was to go back to my natural hair color. That's easy peasy. Especially considering my natural color has changed since the last time it was natural. It's a very very very dark brown now. Makes me look dramatic. I like being dramatic. I always wanted dark hair. Like in Anne of Green Gables when she dies her hair raven black but it turned out green? I sympathized. Dark hair always looks so sleek and beautiful and I wanted it. Anyways. That was easy.

The second thing I did want, don't get me wrong, but a lot of me wanting it was because Joe wanted it. And that was.... bangs. Cutting bangs again. I haven't had bangs since we got married 3 years ago! And now that I'm down to washing my hair once a week, I didn't know how it would go with bangs. I thought they'd get dirty or something, and be hard to maintain. But my lil sis got bangs recently, and she doesn't wash her hair all the time either, and she liked them, so I TOOK THE LEAP.

And I like it. I really do like it. But let me tell you what I'm figuring out.

I watch the Bachelor. And I'm on pinterest. And the internet in general. And these haircuts that everyone loves, and all the girls that are typically the "it" girls... they don't have bangs. They have this swept to the side look and when I got bangs it took a toll on me.

This is sounding all so materialistic and shallow.

But  it was a little hard at first, because this look made me look different. I didn't feel conventionally beautiful anymore. I felt "edgy" (because aren't bangs just super out there and weird? Jokes, my friends.) but I did feel different.

But what am I figuring out about this?

I had to grapple with this for a little bit. Because how I perceive myself is very important to me. I wish it weren't so, but I often struggle with my appearances, as much as any girl does, but maybe a bit more, and I see myself differently than most do, and when I see myself differently, I assume everyone sees me that way. So if I don't like what I see, then I only imagine that no one does, and I spiral downwards and end up in a pretty dark place.

Well.

Bangs.

What I am figuring out.

Not everyone has the same hair I do. Not everyone dresses the same way I do. But does that mean I'm not beautiful? Well, first off, beauty comes from the inside, and all that jazz-stuff-that-is-written-on-motivational-posters. But second. Just because I look a bit different, this doesn't mean it is bad. Maybe I don't have to look like other people. (Though I suppose I look like Carly Rae but that's not exactly a goal of mine). Maybe I can just look like me and have hair like this because I like having hair like this, and not because other people like having hair like this. I can just like it because it is me, maybe. So I'm trying that. And I do like it.

So there you go. The first thing I'm figuring out. I'm probably the only person who thought this much into bangs. It probably makes me seem ridiculous but there you go. You can call me shallow if you'd like.

The second thing I'm figuring out.

I live in AZ where we deal with reverse-Winter. I made that term up, but it essentially means that our Winter is great and our Summer is awful. We stay inside for the Summer and go outside for the Winter.

Now how does this match up with the rest of my life.

Scroll backwards in time in your brain to Summer 2014. That was uhhhhh about a year and a half ago. Joe and I were living in Provo, going up to the mountains and running, and it was so much fun. I loved it. But I would get burned out pretty quickly, and our running streak would last a few weeks and then be done. And I would blame my ankles or my heart or my lungs, and those were the reasons I couldn't go running.

Then came Fall, we didn't run, Winter, it was gross so of course we didn't, Spring, we were busy finishing our degrees and preparing to move, Summer we were here where you don't run, Fall and Winter I was super pregnant and wasn't going to run.... and now here we are. A year and a half later.

We bought a jogging stroller.

And we go running.

And this is what I have figured out with running. It is super easy. When you go out.... don't push yourself to the point of death in the first 3 minutes. Pace yourself. I feel like everyone in the world knew this except me, but maybe not. Start out comfortably, then push yourself until you are slightly outside your comfort zone, and keep at it until it becomes comfortable. And then run in comfort for a little bit before pushing yourself out again, into discomfort, but only slightly, and run until that becomes comfortable and stay there for a little while again.

This may mean you are running very slowly.

In fact, sometimes my starting run is slower than my brisk walk. Which doesn't make sense, but there you go.

And sometimes we start out and I'm feeling uncomfortable and Joe says "So we're just gonna take it easy today?" and I think "THIS IS NOT EASY FOR ME, BUB."

But maybe this is an analogy for life. 10 points if you can figure it out. And now the babe is crying for me, so goodbye until next time.

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