3.01.2016

Things that have made me a bad mom

I HAD ALL THESE PLANS. About what I was gonna do as a mom and what I definitely was NOT going to do as a mom.

And Joe laughs about them because he notices them now. He remembered them. He remembers that I'm giving up on all the plans right away. And *I* am the one with the killer memory, not Joe.

Like... first day of middle school I wore a yellow shirt and tan shorts and had my hair in two side braids and the principal told me my shorts were too short and she was wrong, because they weren't, but she didn't like me. And that's ok, because I didn't like her. That's my memory. Or I remember the exact day Joe and I saw Interstellar... it was Feb 13, 2015.

But Joe is remembering things even I don't remember now and it's giving me a run for my money.

So I was gonna be the perfect mom because to the outside world, my degree in school was "How to mom other people's kids" even though my degree was "How to make kids be brilliant, confident, world changing geniuses." But both of those should mean I'm an excellent mom.

Teaching elementary school is a lot different than momming.

I have read extensive books and research articles on everything under the sun, and if you try to tell me something that isn't true, I will come back at you with "Actually!" followed by a really annoying statistic. Just ask anyone in my family. I am a very fact and research driven person.

And then I put none of it into practice.

So it may have seemed that I would be just MOMMING UP THIS PLACE LIKE CRAZY. But nope. And if some of you wonderful women are feeling like you're not doing great, just look over here. I, who allegedly and self proclaimed-ly knew everything.... I am not perfect.

Because no one is.

And if anyone wants to feel better about themselves. Here are some examples that will make you feel better.

One time I was eating oatmeal and coke for breakfast. Because these days, every morning is an "I need a coke morning" and if that caffeine is getting to the youngling somehow, so be it. And the youngling was screaming and both of my hands were occupied with trying to eat as fast as I could, and I was sitting on our bed and he was laying next to me, so I pulled out a great contortionist trick and held his binky in his mouth with my toes. It was rough.

I was never going to bed share because it is dangerous and SIDS and dependency and bad habits and so on and so forth until one night I was so tired and he wouldn't sleep, so I sat him next to me, and curled up around him trying to get him to be quiet so he wouldn't wake daddy and my next memory was 3 hours later, when we both woke up. And now this happens a few days a week. Oops. Sorry, hospital, who told me to never ever. Sometimes you gotta.

I forgot to feed lil lion before going to the grocery store for 20 minutes, and he wasn't thrilled about that, and was very vocal about disagreeing with my choices, in the form of screaming loudly in my ear. And I just let it happen for the duration of the shopping trip because I was frazzled and had no idea what to do. And someone in the cereal aisle glared at me for treating my child in such a way.

I needed to do the dishes so badly, so I put Bug in his bassinet and closed the door and did the dishes while he cried. And I let him cry. And he will likely resent me for the rest of his life because of that but part of me needed a break for a few minutes and the other part of me needed the dishes done.

Along those same lines. I am a mom but I also keep the house, and in addition to that, my eyes reflexively twitch when the kitchen is messy. But lil Bug doesn't like to be alone. So I put on Gilmore Girls and turn up the volume and put it by his bassinet so he thinks someone is there. That's right. TV is watching my child. Unfortunately he is getting too smart for this so I will have to learn a new trick.

One Joe especially teases me about is this "routine" I definitely was going to have. Some routines are still set and solid, and I'm proud of those. But diaper changing. It was going to be a very strict routine. With the mat on his changing table in his room. He'd get used to diaper changes being in there, every time. And then the first night home.... yeah I wasn't going to get up in the middle of the night to go change his diaper in a different room. I dragged the mat into our room. BUT DURING THE DAY! The changing pad was in HIS room. That was where diaper changes happened! Er... during the day. And by the end of the first week, the changing pad was in our room. And it's been there ever since. I'm not dragging that thing all over. When Bug is old enough for his own room, then it will go back in his room. But today is not that day.

There's lots of other things. Like, feeding things... I've gone back and forth a billion times on a billion different feeding routines and options and methods. All in all, life is very different from what I planned it to be. And that is ok, because life is what is working. My son is just as strong willed as I am, and it's a lot harder to convince a baby to follow your plans than it is just to compromise. And that's what we do. A lot. As parents. We compromise.

Despite things being different than planned...

The youngling is healthy. He is happy. And he is loved.

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