If

I've never understood the phrase “If “ifs”, “ands” and “buts” were candies and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas.” First off.... I love candies and nuts all times of the year, not just Christmas. Second off, I didn't get why they chose to include “and” in there. And is not a bad word. And is a word you say when you don't know how to indicate that you're beginning a new sentence.

If, however. If is an illness.

I remember last year, being engaged to Joe. I was engaged to Joe! It was wonderful. And one sunny, warm Spring day, we were married. About a week after that I sat up and realized WE WERE MARRIED. It was real to me. We were married, we had gotten married, and nothing would change that, nothing would take my Joe away. I didn't realize how afraid I was of that happening until that point. I knew I loved him and he loved me and that would never change. But I was afraid of the world ending or something apocalyptic happening, making it so that we'd never see each other again, we'd never be sealed, we'd never.... what if that happened? I was so afraid of that.

And here I am, one year from graduation. I can't even count the number of times I considered my education to be in jeopardy, I questioned whether or not I'd end up getting a degree. Considering potential moves, the thought of sudden illness or heaven forbid, the CIA asks me to be a spy and I have to leave the life I have now to serve my country.

And then we're realistic about things too. I wondered if it would take me 10 years to graduate. I wondered if people were trying to sabotage me to stop me from getting an expensive, important paper. I had plans of graduating a certain time and then that date would become flexible. People would say “Yeah well you're graduating next year...” and I'd reply “MAYBE!” In an exasperated voice. Who could say for sure.

Today is the day I stop saying maybe. Today I stop thinking if. Today I set in stone that in April 2015, I will graduate with a BA (or BS... can't decide...) in Elementary Education. Today I take charge of my own education and refuse to let people dictate my future. This future is something I will control, and I'm gonna make it this way. It's empowering. It feels good. But I'm not gonna worry anymore, I'm not gonna wonder either. I dare something to stop me because I'm ready to take it on. I will be firm and I will be driven. And now I feel confident.

That is a good feeling.